The Lifestyle She Holds Up Herself
Sally, an immigrant with a tedious past, has struggles from before she can relate to now, even after years in the US. Whether it be housing or bringing food to the table, she shares insights on the evolving lifestyle changes she had when surrounded with family vs being more isolated. After witnessing the birth of multiple grandchildren and the passing of time , she shares her struggles as an older adult living alone, and aspects of her life she wishes she could change.
Sally agreed to talk with me on a Thursday evening afterschool hours. After introductions, I offered her a cup of chai and biscuits, and she accepted warmly, handing me a plastic container of biriyani. "Courtesy for having me," she smiled warmly.
Her Story as an Immigrant
As a 65 year old immigrant woman living alone, and thriving, I asked her to share more of her times before the USA, back to the times where she was surrounded by family. Her simple responses unraveled into a much deeper story of resilience, hardships, and patience. At age 40, she moved to the States with her husband and daughter, with nothing more than a low salary offering job, and a last minute agreement to stay at her brother-in-law's residence. Soon after, her family moved to Texas for her daughter's education, a journey done solely by car. 21 hours.
"What a journey it was. What a journey. Just for our daughter," she reflected with a faraway look in her eyes.
Following the move to Texas, her husband received an array of job offers, requiring them to move around the country, leaving their daughter behind to study in university. She recalled this memory with tears in her eyes, a mother's guilt for leaving the one she loved most behind.
Years passed, and everything had began to settle down. Her daughter had moved back to Massachusetts, where both she and her husband landed jobs. They had also saved enough to rent out an apartment for the time being, and
"Life had finally begun to settle down. Or, so I'd thought. Stage 4 cancer came in and took it all.", she smiled sadly at me.
Her husband was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer, and passed away soon after.
She looked up at me and requested a glass of water. As she took a sip, she whispered the closing line to the story of her "before", as she recalled it.
"His death marked the end of my life "before", and started the life "after"."
The Struggles she Deals with Now
When asked to compare her struggles before to the ones she has now, she gave me an almost immediate answer.
"Before his death, I suffered together with those I loved. After, it was like everyone was drifting away. And I suffered alone."
As a part of the 18% of seniors who provide for themselves in the USA, she shared that her main struggles now were both emotional, and physical. The technological divide faced by many elders today was one of her issues. She expressed hardships in simple tasks like navigating her way through sketchy websites, buying tickets for flights, and differentiating between AI generated items and real ones. After describing such a wide array of technological troubles, she paused to look at her phone.
"And of course, with the digital divide comes the emotional divide as well."
That line stuck with me. Because upon reflection both were heavily codependent on each other. Seniors nowadays express recurring opinions on the change between social interactions amongst our youth nowadays, vs before.
"Kids are so busy searching their questions on the internet, that they don't come to those who've lived those questions."
What Can we Fix?
"The amount of face to face interaction, vs online. The priorities that our children have set; friends before family. Fixing this means addressing unspoken, society-wide stereotypes amongst our youngsters.", is what Sally responded with.
Many elder adults across the world are misunderstood for being individuals who refuse to downplay their ideologies, and are stuck within their beliefs. In reality, this may be because we fail to understand their perspectives, and their feedback as they watch our society's relationships shift from a more social to online based connection.
How Can we Fix This?
Ask instead of assume. I questioned Sally about misunderstandings she had gone through as an elder adult, and how the little things could've prevented them. She sprung up almost immediately, giving me a recurring answer to many this question, and many more tied to it.
"Humans are social creatures. We need to interact with one another. The least any child could do for their parent or grandparent is give them a call once a day and ask how they are."
Socialization. This is the root of the problem. Because much of society as a whole has refused to deem the elderly population "worthy of our time", we fail to understand the insightful knowledge they carry, and therefore don't even bother to call. The main fix doesn't lie in the gifts, houses, or money. It lies in indulging our human nature- to socialize. Whether it's elder adults, or younger children, we must take the steps to include everyone, and take account of everyone's stories. Because every story has a hidden gem to mine.
This is the first interview in the Elders series. Names have been changed. All participants gave informed consent.